i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
So many bounce houses so little time
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
