My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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