why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I am one with the molecules
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
