So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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