you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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