In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
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My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
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We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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