i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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