my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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