What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
