my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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