is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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