i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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