good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
