I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
