I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
