my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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