So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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