nut hugger
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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