I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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