We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
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