best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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