life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
