my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
