Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I stole a fireplace last night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
