I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
