Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
