We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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