I bet he comes in French.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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