Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
