If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
