i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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