The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There's always time for handjobs
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
