Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
