Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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