Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
