I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize