dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
