Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
