I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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