Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
