i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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