Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
