im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
