my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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