White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
