I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
