I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
