We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
