Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
