I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Randomize
