hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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