Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
