2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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