so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
