I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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