he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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