i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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